


stupid and anxious

by AmericanCanada



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Anxious Katsuki Yuuri, Anxious Victor Nikiforov, Depressed Victor Nikiforov, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, Established Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov, Fights, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Married Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov, Miscommunication, Panic Attacks, Victor Nikiforov Has Abandonment Issues, Victor Nikiforov Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:49:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24245302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmericanCanada/pseuds/AmericanCanada
Summary: When tensions are high, life is filled with a lot of "should"s and "shouldn't"s, a lot of "did"s and "didn't"s. Sometimes, even when you know what you should do, you don't. You know what would have worked better, but you didn't do it.Victor is usually very good at knowing the right way to behave, but when tensions are high, even he can forget to do what would be best.
Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov
Comments: 3
Kudos: 148
Collections: Yuri!!! on Ice Remix Challenge 2021





	stupid and anxious

**Author's Note:**

> I had some people send me song prompts over on tumblr, and I really loved how this one turned out! So I decided to share it here.
> 
> The prompt was from an anon, and it was for the song "Stupid and Anxious" by Sew Intricate, specifically for hurt/comfort. I ended up taking inspiration from "lovely" by Billie Eilish and Khalid as well. I tried my best, but I'm not sure if this is your typical hurt/comfort fic, but please enjoy!

Things had been so stressful all day, Victor should have seen it coming. Yuuri had been irritated at the rink, not skating at his normal level and every comment Victor made had only worsened his mood. To make it worse, as much as Victor had tried to keep himself calm, Yuuri’s bad mood had gotten to him as well. By the time they were finally walking home after a long day of getting very little done, they were both seething.

He should have stayed quiet, should have sensed the mood, should have remembered the last time they had argued and how it had resulted in him almost losing Yuuri. Well, he was usually pretty good at reading people and watching himself, but with his own mood soured maybe he just wasn’t focusing as much as he should have been on the signs.

Should have. Could have.

Didn’t.

“What do you want to eat?” He asked, trying his best to put at least a little of his usual cheer into his tone. Maybe some part of him was trying to hide his anger, trying to diffuse the tension. 

Yuuri didn’t turn to look at him, still over by the door. “I’m not hungry.” He said quietly, shortly. Victor had to hold back a sigh. 

“You have to eat something,” he began, hearing the annoyance in his own voice already seeping in after only a few words exchanged. 

He wasn’t given the opportunity to continue his sentence as Yuuri snapped. “I said I’m not hungry, Victor. I don’t want anything.” He started down the hallway, and Victor couldn’t shake the feeling that he should stop, should let it go and calm down. 

Should.

“Yuuri,” he sighed, taking a few steps towards his husband when he stopped at his name. “You spent too much energy to not eat something, you hardly ate anything this morning. Come on, just eat something light-”

“Victor,” Yuuri half shouted, turning towards him again. “I don’t want anything. Just drop it.” 

An expression of shock crossed Victor’s face before it settled into a glare. “I know you’re upset about something, but I’m still your coach and your husband. You need food-”

“I don’t care.” An icy glare. “I can’t deal with this right now.” He pushed Victor on his way to the front door, but Victor stopped him, grabbing his shoulder. 

“Yuuri-”

“No,” Yuuri began, glaring at Victor again. “I know, I know you don’t want me to leave, and I won’t. But I can’t-” He stopped, pulling his shoulder from Victor’s grasp. “I need to step away for a bit. I’ll be back. Later.” 

The anger had grown in Victor, upset that Yuuri knew why he stopped him, upset that Yuuri wasn’t letting him talk. He almost snapped again. Almost yelled, almost stopped him again. 

Almost.

But even through the anger fogging his thoughts, he knew Yuuri was right, that he would need some space to think, because he knew that was how Yuuri worked. And somehow, somehow he held his tongue. When Yuuri looked back at him before walking out the door, some part of him hoped Yuuri could see how upset he was. How angry. How hurt. 

It was hours before Yuuri came back. The sky was dark, there was a pizza missing some slices on the coffee table because after arguing Victor hadn’t felt like cooking. Hadn’t felt like following the strict diet he knew he had to. Hadn’t felt like going out. Hadn’t felt like talking to anyone.

Hadn’t felt. 

He had spent those few hours sitting on the couch, thinking. Because he knew Yuuri, knew he needed space to think. But he knew Yuuri knew him, too. How much he hated this, hated having arguments stopped like that, hated leaving it unfinished. How he hated it when Yuuri walked out, the fears it brought to his mind. 

And knowing that, Yuuri had still walked out the door. 

Had still left.

Left him.

Victor hated how he felt, knowing that Yuuri had known this and still left. But knowing that Yuuri had still had it in the forefront of his mind to reassure Victor first. 

“I know you don’t want me to leave, and I won’t.”

Even knowing Yuuri said he would be back, it didn’t stop his thoughts from getting lost in all kinds of scenarios. Yuuri had left him. He didn’t want to be with Victor. He didn’t want to stay. He hurt Victor. He did it knowing it would hurt, and he still did it. 

The tears were falling for a while before Victor knew they were. When he finally felt them, he only cried more. Because it hurt. Because he knew Yuuri would be back, but it still hurt that he left. It hurt that Yuuri wouldn’t let him talk, that he refused to talk it out. Had to drag it out, make it into something else. Something bigger.

And it hurt.

Through the thoughts and the tears and his heartbeat and his sobs, he didn’t hear the door open. Didn’t hear it close. Didn’t hear Makkachin bark, or the quiet sounds of Yuuri putting her in the hallway and closing that door too. All he could hear was his thoughts, swirling and spiraling about how Yuuri didn’t care. But he did, because he made sure to say so. First. Before he left. But he left. And he still hurt him. 

But he was here. 

Victor didn’t know that until he was in front of him, concern on his face. No traces of anger, of annoyance, of hate. There was concern, pain, love. 

A very small, very gentle smile came when Victor’s eyes met Yuuri’s. “Hey,” Yuuri said, very quiet. His voice was small, and afraid, and the sound of it immediately made Victor’s heart flutter, begin to return to it’s normal rhythm. “Are you okay?” His thoughts were still swirling, but they were slowing. 

Even so, he couldn’t speak. Not yet. That thought let him know what was happening, and that scared him. It had been a while since he had panicked like this, and he didn’t know what to do anymore. His breathing picked up again, his heart beating faster. The effect of the change was immediate on Yuuri’s expression, and Victor saw a hand reach out and stop. 

“Victor, my love,” Yuuri moved the coffee table so he could sit on the ground in front of Victor. “May I touch you?” The words drifted into the chaos in Victor’s mind, and it took him a minute to understand, and to think about it. But he nodded. And he felt more than saw the hand slowly make its way to his face. Softly. Gently. Yuuri cupped his cheek, wiped with his thumb at the tears still falling down Victor’s cheeks. 

He shouldn’t speak, should let Yuuri explain himself when he is ready. He shouldn’t break the moment, should calm down first. 

Shouldn’t. Should. Won’t. 

“Y-Yuuri,” he hiccuped, squeezing his eyes shut. Maybe it would help. Would hurt less. “Why did you go?” He sobbed. The tears came stronger, the pain twisting in his chest. His sharp inhale for breath matched Yuuri’s. 

“I told you, I had to think.” 

“No.” Victor pulled back, blinked up at Yuuri. Yuuri, his love, his life, his light. Yuuri, who looked confused at his question, which was ridiculous. “You know-” a pause. A breath. One, two seconds. “You know I can’t- You know.” He couldn’t say it, couldn’t explain how he felt. Couldn’t tell Yuuri, because Yuuri already knew.

“Victor,” Yuuri sighed. He sounded pained, and Victor knew. He knew that Yuuri hadn’t wanted this. Of course he didn’t. He knew Yuuri hadn’t meant for him to hurt. But that doesn’t mean he isn’t hurting anyway. Just because it wasn’t intentional doesn’t mean it wouldn’t happen, doesn’t mean it is stupid. And Victor knew that too. “I’m sorry. I know. You’re right. I should have known better.” 

A sigh, a shaky breath. Victor closed his eyes again, held them there, tight. For one breath, then another. 

Opened them. 

Reached down, grabbed Yuuri’s hands again, held them to his face. Yuuri took the cue, took control, held Victor’s face as if he was precious. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered again. Quiet. 

Sorry. 

“I was upset.” Yuuri closed his eyes, took a breath of his own. Took a second of his own. “It wasn’t at you. I shouldn’t have acted that way towards you, it wasn’t your fault. I’m sorry.”

Two breaths, three. Deep, heavy. The tears had finally stopped. 

“I forgive you.” Victor said, when he felt like he could speak again. His throat hurt, his head hurt, his heart hurt. But Yuuri said sorry, was sorry. “I’m sorry, too. I knew, too,” he said, reaching out to cup Yuuri’s cheek, mirroring what Yuuri was doing to him. “I knew that you were upset. I shouldn’t have pushed you like that. I know you need space to think.”

Yuuri smiled, and Victor could feel his own, smaller. Weaker. But there. “I forgive you, too.” Yuuri said. He moved one hand from Victor’s cheek, to place it on one of the hands on his own. He held it there, turned his head, kissed the inside of Victor’s wrist. “I was upset because my thoughts were running, I should have taken something to deal with it, but I didn’t want to mess up our practice. When I went down the hall, I was planning on getting a pill. I just wanted to get it, I wasn’t thinking of anything else.” Victor nodded, understanding. 

He knew.

Knew how Yuuri’s thoughts would run, there wasn’t always a reason he’d be upset. Sometimes he just woke up that way. 

“You should have just told me,” Victor said, he could feel more tears forming in his eyes. He held them back. “You know I’m always here for you. I would have understood.”

“I know that now.” Yuuri smiled, holding his hand tighter. “I will, next time.”

“Okay.” Victor sighed. “You promise?”

“I promise.” 

Yuuri leaned in. Victor didn’t pull away, didn’t lean forward. Yuuri kissed the corner of his mouth, soft. Apologetic. And stood, and hugged him close. Victor’s face pressed into his stomach, and he wrapped his arms around Yuuri’s waist, and held tight.

**Author's Note:**

> come hang out with me on [tumblr](https://undadasea.tumblr.com)!


End file.
